Thank you to everyone who supported me over these last few days; it was a tough ride and everyone was scared for a little while there, but we made it!
I've made it up to north Texas to go visit some friends, @/HipsterJunkie (who I'm not pinging for reasons! <3) and FreckledAndSpeckled just to name a couple. <3 If you'd like to know the specifications for why I had to come up north, keep reading to find out.
Also, hey! If you like really cute artwork and awesome graphic novels and headworlds, then you should go support my friend FreckledAndSpeckled on Patreon~!!
I'm going to jump for one of the higher tiers once I have a job (soon. BT) to see some of the super cool stuff she's got! Go take a look at her gallery to see exactly what I'm talking about. <33
Oks, for those curious souls who wanted to know~
If you just recently joined my watchgroup or haven't seen some of my recent journels, my friend and I both went through a brutal break up on exactly the same day in April (4/20, ironically) and neither of us has been doing completely well ever since.
Due to the severity of how mine went and just how trauma-inducing my brain likes to be, my hurt is slow and cruel due to pain originating from my own thoughts, the idiotic brutality of my ex (he's an idiot, 1st class.), and my subconscious inability to let something go.
My coping mechanism is a resilient expression, and a constant "Fuck you" to the perpetrator through the expression of minimal emotional fuss in response to the decision.
It's a bit petty and meant to take someone down with me or at least do some damage, in a way, but in this case it was well-earned by the other party, who has had anger management issues and over-controlling tendencies that I've been sure to reprimand him for throughout the extent of the relationship. He had issues with me spending time with my friends and I wasn't ok with that; I made sure to let him know that, too, especially when I remained his only friend in the world.
I refuse to be such to him again. So my issue, in a way, is resolved, just lingering.
However, the friend whose heart was also broken wasn't as capable of simply rewriting himself.
The day that she broke it off with him, he shut us out, unwilling to let us know what had happened, and we had to discover the fact through another friend. We were forced to wait until he came back to the dorms from home to be able to make proper contact with him, and were worried. Everyone already knew what had occurred with me, and this addition was not particularly helpful for anyone.
When he got back to us, he was basically in shambles and prepared to shatter at any moment. Our friend group still does not refer to that night often outside of concerned conversation.
All I can say is that I remained tenaciously attached to him when he fell asleep in the living space we'd come to occupy as a massive group, and looked after him alone till the extreme hours of morning when he came to. Everyone had gone to bed and hadn't expected him to wake up until way later the next day. I was there when he woke up, curled up nearby under my own blankets, and listened to what he had to say. It didn't seem like there was any particular person or purpose he was talking like this, you understand, but I did my best to catch what he said to try and help alleviate whatever hurt he was feeling at the time.
There is nothing more heart-wrenching than seeing one of the strongest people you know crumble without any dignifying preamble. I distinctly remember him asking me one question, this particular question that doesn't seem to be important to most, but it broke my heart most and made me want to cry when I responded with the truth. As much as I wanted to play the ever-comforting friend, I wouldn't lie to do so.
He needed something to hold onto that day and over the next week or so, and I obliged. While I was careful not to be clingy, mothering, or emotional, I only lasted 3 days before I broke down from the strain of my relationship. It wasn't pretty. I did this sporadically; be fine, cry one day, be fine, cry. I've been relatively consistent in my "be fine" lately, but we'd managed to work through this portion of the year at the time; it was terrible because, unfortunately, this happened only two weeks before Finals, adding onto everyone's stress. He was devastated in comparison to my hurt, constantly making bitter jokes and forcing me to play Mother Hen on occasion, refreshing his own pain every so often in hopes that his ex would return.
To combat it, I started pulling all-nighters, making sure that he was sleeping well or at least decently, doing homework and making sure that my other friends were doing well, as we'd all started having our own issues through the course of the last few weeks. I'd go along with them even though I had my own issues with food to make sure everyone ate and everyone was doing okay. It was all fine until moving day came and everyone had to go home.
The semester ended and we were all going home; I was a bit more apprehensive about this than most, simply because without my attending to my friend and the rest of the group, I'd be forced to focus on my own emotional stressor.
I was right, and these past few weeks have been hell for me. While my relationship had lasted a little less than a year, my friend’s had gone on for years, and losing something that was such a big part of his life was harder for him. I cannot imagine how much these last few weeks have been for him if mine were that bad.
He recently contacted us this past Sunday, telling us how he was feeling and the severity of it, as well as his current situation and the low place he was in.
I’ve been treating this guy like he was my precious stone or something, which is not something devoid of reverence, you understand, so of course I flipped my shit and asked him what was happening.
He mentioned how it helped him when we were all together, hence my desperate attempts to get up there to him and make sure he didn’t do anything he’d spoken about. In all honesty, it may have been rash to do so, but it only takes one friend’s funeral to make up your mind on how far you’d go to keep your friend from going into the ground far too early.
So again, if you managed to read this far without getting bored or lost, thank you. Thanks to everyone, especially Muramani, RoaringFox, Valamon, xNaru-chan, nyanko-dono, and FreckledAndSpeckled for making this visit possible~<333 You have no idea how much it means to me, but I’ll keep doing my best to express that to you. <3